If There is a Will, There Must be a Way! : Indiana Jones, the Temple of Dog

Who are these mysterious men that everyone speaks of? They say that if you find the men they call Will, you will find your way and jolly jig-golly do I need that. Maybe it is because of my handicapped “midget legs” - as the other dogs at the park sometimes refer to me as - or this recession (that I predicted YEARS ago), but I am lost in life and have damn sure not been found yet! What to do? What to do for a business dog like myself? Sometimes, I feel like my ideas are just bigger than my ears. Maybe the rest of the world simply is not ready for me. As Nietzsche once proclaimed, 'the day after tomorrow will belong to me!' - and I am sure of it. Nonetheless, I have looked low and lower, smelled for Will in bushes, peered for him in lady’s skirts, and even take a “lucky Will wee” on my Master’s video entertainment box every night before I go to bed. Can’t anybody help a puppy out?

So a corgi, a pitbull and a terrier walk into a bar...

I fucking love America, ya know?

I mean, the only thing I love more than America is going on vacation. What a blast! My only complaint are the all you can eat buffets. I mean, you try keeping a figure with unlimited lobster rolls, pasta and sweet and sour chicken. It's like...you might as well just put an elastic harness on me after I'm done with those buffets! Am I right or am I right?

Who Let Me Join the Army Last Night?

This really is going to be the last time I go out with the boys.  If it's not one thing, it's another. One minute we are seeing who can drink the most mai tais and the next thing you know I'm in a duffle bag about to be sent off to the army.  I faintly remember a rather large man yelling about living in close proximity with a lot of young men and promising that by joining the army, my legs would get longer.  I now see the deep psychological game this man played on me: by preying on my two strongest desires, he has weakened me into submission.  I will also have to blame Scruffles.  Ever since he has gotten the arthritis in his back paw, he's been non stop with the alcohol and drugs.  It is safe to say he is a lost cause.  Nevertheless, a dog does not let another dog drink alone; thus, the mai tais.  So now I sit and count down the last few minutes of freedom I have left.  Pray for me.  Think of me.  Wait for me.  

Editor's note: Despite his wildly happy smile, this dog really is dreading the next few days he will be spending in the army reserve.

Loved Once For Ever Loved, How Surely Sounds; Yes, I Am Now, Become Love's Pantheist

Love is a path to virtue for the brave, led by the beautiful; a great desire.  If I am forced to say in simpler words, then be it: I feel a horrid hurricane of emotions running through my whiskers.  I am excited for what could come of this: the possibilities are absolutely endless!  Together, we could admire the dew that settles the morning after a storm, attend conventions (i'm a sucker for the Javitts center!) and play basketball on the weekends.  Despite all daydreams, I am forced to wonder about the possible rejection.  I fancy myself a bit more than an amateur at read signs and all signs point to this dog, but what if he just wants to be friends?  It would absolutely ruin the friendship.  Oh fragglebaggles, I'm not even watching the movie.  How can I in this state of mind and emotion?  On top of it all, that cardigan is accenting his infraglenoid tubercle in the most gentle, glorious manner!!!  Oh, what to do?  What to do, my friends!  At a moment such as this one, I question the undeniable truth that I should have bought those goddamn fucking roofies from that German Shepherd - - just as a backup plan.   

You can call me Rosa Barks

Maybe they should put a sign up on the door of life that says"only halfway open". This way, I would have been prepared for the cruel, disappointment of "life". I'm sure many of you have heard of the Westminster Kennel Club dog show - anydog who is anydog attends and the best part of it is the gift bag you get - thank you Williams Sanoma! The Demi Glace de Poulet they give every year can make any bag of pedigree taste like the 4 star french cuisine that I know I deserve. I have also found that if I allow the Demi Glace to sit on my whiskers for a good ten to fifteen minutes, it brings a natural silky glimmer out that I have been working at achieving for months now. Oh my woofness, look at me. Just going off and off about my whiskers again. I wanted to get a seat in the front because there was one particular Silkenwood German Shepherd competing whose ears have been looking extra perky if you know what i mean (oh, someone just slap me around and call me Albert!). I was about to sit down in the second row when I was stopped by an overweight gentleman wearing a godawful sweater. He suspiciously eyed my tail, or lackthereof, and told me the seat was taken. At that moment, I felt such confusion in this understanding. When will people see past my rearend? Yes, I might not have a tail that wags when excited but ask me for a handshake and I'll give you a highfive! Sure, I've got no tail to chase when I want to seem silly and cute, but put me in a room full of strangers and I assure you I will entertain them with my wit and just-enough-knowledge-about-the-world-to-make-good-conversation. As a result of this incidence and the many I have experienced in past, I have started a non profit group named TDU, Tailless Dogs Unite, and will be selling pins as a fundraiser. These pins will say "I can still get tail without a tail" and will be sold in salmon, pink and forest green. At moments like this, I am reminded of a great woman, who in 1955 refused to give up her seat on a bus in protest of segregation. Fifty nine years later, I continue this fight and hope that this door I stand patiently behind will fully be open to me and my children (science and owner permitting).

i predicted this economic crash months ago

I won't say 'I told you so' because that would be rude and redundant, but I am definitely thinking it. Remember when I came back from Chicago from that business meeting this past August (I certainly wont forget that trip since that wind was absolutely horrible. I mean the last time I checked, 'wind' was not defined as a force of action that would completely dry out my sensitive skin and make me break out in rashes, which in turn made my fur stand out in all of my lady friendly' areas) and I started going off about how there was a financial crisis about to hit us? I referenced the 1997 Asian Financial Crisis and you told me I was being racist and paranoid and continued to mumble something about "just being a dog". Well, pup yours. I would explain how we could have avoided this and what the initial factors were that led up to this disaster, but I need to finish my thesis on Human Capital Theory and its failure to be successful in a modernized world.